Grief or Guilt?

Here’s an idea…

When you lose a loved one, what are you feeling? Is it grief, guilt, or both?

I would say definitely one or the other, the worst would be a combination of both.

With Martin, we were blessed with the short blip of time in the end that we did have. We were able to have closure on things, We were able to say everything we possibly could before he passed. I can say that when we lost him, I felt grief. Today, I still feel grief.

I am glad to say I feel no guilt. There literally isn’t a thing in his time that I didn’t give him. I mean, it’s fair to say that yes, I would loved to have maybe taken one less work meeting, or one little bit less of “me” time and given it back to him. Maybe I wish I could have taken him to that movie, or to that restaurant. Guilt for simply more time and experiences with him.

I don’t feel guilt for things I said to him, did to him, or things left unsaid. That’s the kind of guilt that could bury someone into misery.

The grief comes in waves, and it’s not as frequent as it was day 1, but I have my moments.

When those happen, I head to my outlets. I journal, I cry, I flip through his old pictures, texts etc.

I guess I write this one for those who have done or said or haven’t to their loved ones. Meaning that you should have a relationship that is open, and honest with your close loved ones. That way, when their time comes (because it will) then you won’t be stuck with words left unsaid. I would hope that you have closure on things, and won’t have the endless guilt that you were wrong for something.

Grief is painful, guilt is hollow, and the both together must be misery.

The world of grief isn’t always beautiful, in fact it’s a process that is just plain nasty. Yet, we should talk about it. In hopes that we can help one other person get through the journey.


Martin Howe