Back Home - My Thoughts

I promise with this blog, to always be candid. I promise to always just say it how it is, and let you really feel the impact of what’s been going on.

I promised to not blog while Martin was awake, so you’re getting this from me around 11pm. I won’t go back end edit, so if I typo or miss something along the way… please forgive me. A. I simply don’t have the time. and B. I believe editing takes away the authenticity of us being human.

My world currently consists of managing baby girl, being a rock for my wife, managing emotions from all family members (in-laws, etc) and then trying to sneak a few minutes of time in with Martin. In reality all I really want to do is drop everything and be with him, but If I did that, I wouldn’t be able to get him out to where he wants to go.

My world constantly spins, then my world stands still. Then I browse the internet, then I get mad, then I get sad, then I scour my old photos for something to make me happy again. This cycle goes on and on for about always.

I fall asleep each night, thinking to myself that I gave all I possibly could to my family. I then dream, and my dreams take me to good places, they take me places that aren’t the reality. Then once I wake up, I get my bearings, and I am brought back to the reality that the scariest thing about my life right now, is anticipation. I am SO scared of the anticipation of what will happen in the next days/weeks/months.

I hate knowing of the fate, but not knowing of the when.

I truly deep down have come to appreciate humans. I have appreciated some of the people who I always knew were there for me, being there in any fashion. I’ve appreciated the people who have come out of the woodworks. I’ve appreciated the strangers who have now become family.

In the last 24 hours a lot of magic has happened, courtesy of a lot of amazing people. We are going to live out a amazing couple of days/weeks. There isn’t enough time to say thank you, there isn’t enough ways to say it.

I will try to write, and reflect, and capture.

But I will also be too busy trying to spend some time with Martin. The most important person in my life…