You Guys... I Lost My Best Friend...

Plain and simple, I’m not the ideal parent. Ask anyone. No literally, you can ask just about anyone.

First off, I’m only 29.

I swear too much, might drink too much, and my entire life is one gigantic joke… let’s be honest, life is too short to be too serious. However, somewhere within the madness, I had a part in instilling a work ethic within Martin, a focus on goals, and the daily habits for him to achieve his.

He walked out of school with a 3.94 GPA, a college course with a grade of 100% under his belt, and an early HS diploma. The guy was solid. Some might argue it was his mom, but I will tell you that when I spoke, he listened. So I’ll take about 25% credit on raising him right.

He was wise beyond his years, and very straight laced. In so many ways, he was my positive influence of what a man should be, though he leaned on me to show him.

We’re a little over 3 months and close to 4 months out from the last time I heard his voice. I’m not lost anymore, the way I was when I woke up on April 6th. I am just slowly working my way to my destiny now. I can read his texts, listen to his podcasts, and occasionally watch a video on my phone - but do you want to know what gets me the most? Photos.

Photos of him, of memories, of the good times (of the not-so-good times) crush me. There are days I’ll stand in the kitchen, look at our fridge, and see a few photos from the good ol’ days, and sit there and just think “Damn!”. It’s hard to sometimes accept that this guy, my best friend, my everything, is not right there.

Sadly he will be forever 18, but I guess I look at that number and realize the years I got with him. So I should feel better than most, not as good as some, and completely shouldn’t compare. But I do.

I know when to shut my mouth, and I know when to vent.

I didn’t just lose a son. This wasn’t that relationship where I made his toast and off to school he went and I check my phone at 1am to make sure he got in.

This was a 24/7/365 I (and Joni) were always there. We were the Big 3. The best way I can sum it up for normal people…. is that if my life was 33% me, 33% Joni, 33% Martin. I’m missing 1/3 of my life now. Let’s recalculate that into realistically how it went.

0% me, 50% Joni, 50% Martin. Those two were it. This hole I feel, is gigantic.

I write this so maybe that one person reads it and it clicks for them… that it’s okay to feel like shit some days. It’s also okay, to not be a picture perfect parent. Maybe you’re not rich, maybe you’re not proper, maybe you’re a little wild but you love the shit out of your kids. You can’t give them the world, but you give them all of YOUR world. You’re the parent I’d pick 100% of the time.

I was never perfect, he made me believe I was, and he gave others the illusion that I was. I’m forever grateful for that. As sad as I want to be, I also have to notice that for a solid 8 years of my life, I had a best friend. A real, would do anything for me, best friend.

I still do.


Martin Howe1 Comment