I Felt The Need To Write...

Quick note, a year ago today, we flew out to Denver, CO from Portland, OR to take Martin’s senior pictures. Wow, we weren’t ready for the road we were headed toward.

Today struck me, so I needed to write, and I’m sorry for not writing more often.

In life, we have commitments. We have jobs, families, friends, pets, we simply have commitments. Speaking truthfully, on the surface I try and look somewhat composed. Though the occasional person asks me why I’ve “changed”. Well… who wouldn’t given the story.

I’ve taken a grand bit of time and put all of my commitments to the side, work became a back burner item, at times I felt family did as well, friends… what are those?

I have gotten to a place that I am very selective with my time and my media. Media being anything that is coming into my mind and mental space. I just don’t have the bandwidth (nor do I want) that I once pushed myself to have. This goes for things I’m watching, eating, friends, family, anyone/anything. I don’t fear death, I fear time.

A few commitments I have made:

*Family (Joni, Marley, Martin’s Memory) are my priority. More than ever now.

*Work is VERY EXTREMELY structured. I am automating what I can, I am streamlining what I can, and I am aiming at working minimal hours per week. (I need a personal assistant!)

*Time will be devoted to Martin’s legacy and The NittyStrong Foundation as well as updating and blogging on his website (this one). It’s the least I can do for him.

*NittyStrong interviews and posts will resume.

*His story is getting written and worked on.

If I do a portion of these things, my life will be full.

I’ve taken some time to really reflect. What we did with Martin in his final weeks was poetically beautiful. Stunning really… I think for a moment I was ashamed that I took any time to myself to grieve or maybe change my personality. I am approaching life now with the idea that I will do what’s best for me and the girls and Martin’s legacy, and that’s what will consume my time & energy. The need to feed into opinions of others, really isn’t of interest at this time. We are simply on different paths, with different missions.

When Martin was here, I always spoke about time and my fear of it. Maybe in the back of my mind I pictured a day (hopefully much later) where I wouldn’t have him. That day surprised me and came too soon. I’ve accepted the reality that he is gone and physically not coming back. I am not accepting that he’s not with me now - I know very well that he is.

The best way I can describe my feelings at this point, if you’ve ever seen the movie “The Butterfly Effect” it’s a movie where a simple action or event changes the course of the character’s lives within the movie. I feel like one day I was holding his hand, telling him how much I loved him, and the next day I woke up with a wife, a baby, and an entirely new road map.

That’ll mess someone up, or at least their perspective on the world.

I advise anyone reading this, to (once you’re done) put the phone down, close the computer, and go spend some time with those you love. Go set a date and a location for that next big vacation. Go plan a road trip or pick an event in your town this week and grab some friends or family. Truly LIVE IN THE MOMENT with those you select, and be selective. That’s the beauty of life, while we have it, we can write the story.


Martin Howe2 Comments