Week One... Without Him...

He’s Gone.

He has been gone now for almost a week…

I can tell you it hasn’t gotten any easier, I run around with survivor guilt (which I’ve found is a real thing) for the entire week. I won’t go too into detail on what our final interactions were like with Martin, there’s a chance I’m saving that for a book. I will tell you this though…

I don’t regret a thing we’ve ever done. I don’t regret how we uprooted and came to Colorado. I don’t regret leaving some people behind to let Martin live out his life on his terms. I don’t regret it because the whole concept was simple - On His Terms, On God’s Time.

Is Colorado my dream home? Nope. Personally, I want to live in Mexico, with a margarita in one hand, a book in the other, and a taco to replace whatever I put down. However it was 100% his goal, so for that… I am not only going to get him here, which we did, but I am going to live out his life here, which I will.

If I had to sum up the past week into a sentence, I’d say this… “There were moments that were hot and cold, moments I wanted to celebrate, and moments I wanted to cry. There were days I was motivated, and days I didn’t want to get out of bed. Each day the sun rose, and I knew in my heart that Martin’s spirit rose with it, now I sit back and look for signs he is sending me in each day”.

I rewind back to the moments we were losing him… Joni and I were holding his hands, repeatedly telling him we loved him…

We were by his side for almost 4 hours…. his life slipped away from me in a matter of what felt like seconds… he was there, and then he wasn’t.

At first we had tons of guests over, maybe to fill the space in the apartment and our minds. Then we did some activities, to fill more space and time. However those have all gone away, returned to daily life, and we are left here alone. Though I know we aren’t alone, we have so many friends here in Colorado and continue to make more each day… we are just slowly trying to get used to a new normal.

I wake up, I get ready, I get Marley ready, and that’s it. Life can get started…

In all honesty I’ve lost about 2 hours in the morning we dedicated to Martin, and about 2 hours at night doing the same. Not to mention that we lived each day with the goal of doing whatever he wanted… so there’s time also…

How does one replace 4-8 hours of an activity… when they now aren’t required to have one…?

I’d like to think I am coping in a healthy manner, but I am diving head first into this NittyStrong stuff. I am personally responding to comments, booking interviews for it, trying to grow it all by myself… So have I replaced Martin with a social media addiction?

Week one has been a mix of emotions. I am hoping that little by little each day gets a little… not easier… but just more manageable. I hope I can find my purpose that will light my fire and be guided by Martin’s blessing. I aim to one day not feel the survivor guilt that attacked this week.

I wish all of my readers the best, and please know we are here if you need anything, even just a person to talk to.

“Take Any Chance You Get”

#NittyStrong